On dark places

One of the biggest issues for women going through IVF (or at least the ones I know) is how isolating it all feels. You struggle with feeling like a failure as a woman and human being. You view the "you had one job" memes differently when you're can't fulfill your basic biological destiny. You're stuck … Continue reading On dark places

When words fail

A blogger friend sent love for our loss today. She had just miscarried too, she said. I felt a spanner in my gut tighten, my stomach lurching slightly. Fresh from another early loss, I knew her pain acutely. The gaping hole in my belly, and in my heart. I felt her hug from afar, a … Continue reading When words fail

Change in scenery

Quickly chiming in from the other end of the world after a crazy number of plane rides (blame summer prices) and way too much bad airplane food. We're in the motherland visiting the in-laws, and so begins a little time with family, nature, and some quiet from everyday life. Including... nah, perhaps especially... assisted baby-making … Continue reading Change in scenery

When the minuses make a plus

I never thought I would ever say this, but I find myself believing that just getting a negative HPT and a negative beta hCG after an IVF cycle might be more merciful than being thrust onto this other roller coaster. With the former, failure is clear. You cry, scream, vent, pour yourself a stiff drink. … Continue reading When the minuses make a plus

Game Over

So my HCG level fell today, to 34 mIU/ml. The doctor believes it is an early miscarriage, but would like me to continue with progesterone support until a repeat blood test on Saturday, because my HCG levels are still positive. I’m not sure whose benefit that is for or what kind of purpose that serves beyond … Continue reading Game Over

Positively mindf**ked

I am a torrid mess of emotions, all of which are simultaneously pulling on my innards while I'm trying to work. Doesn't help that I am also crampy, nauseous and completely unfocused. Today is 12dp4dt. I have had a dull, continuous cramp for three days now and have been bleeding like I have been stabbed in … Continue reading Positively mindf**ked

Almost-Mother’s Day

Mother's Day is tough for the mother-in-waiting (wanting?). Not that the other 364 days a year that you suffer from infertility are a whole lot easier. But as many in the world count down to that special Sunday (May 13 where I am), it gets harder to ignore the gnawing feeling in my belly (it's not … Continue reading Almost-Mother’s Day

Read: IVF Failure Is Devastating And More Common Than You Think

This piece by clinical psychologist Elizabeth Merill got my attention today. I feel her pain acutely. You go into IVF brimming with hope. You do all the research and most times, you tightly grip on to the positive odds. Even if - at the back of your mind - you realise that this may not work, that … Continue reading Read: IVF Failure Is Devastating And More Common Than You Think

The Rainbow Connection

I am headed into the lab today to drop off the paperwork and samples to kick off the upcoming cycle. I had been feeling somewhat tentative this time around (few people talk about being "fifth time lucky"), waiting to start "feeling it". Outside my window, there is a sun shower, which is probably one of … Continue reading The Rainbow Connection