Positively mindf**ked

I am a torrid mess of emotions, all of which are simultaneously pulling on my innards while I'm trying to work. Doesn't help that I am also crampy, nauseous and completely unfocused. Today is 12dp4dt. I have had a dull, continuous cramp for three days now and have been bleeding like I have been stabbed in … Continue reading Positively mindf**ked

The Land of What Ifs and Buts

(Update below) It has been a 24-hour period of the highest high and one of the lowest lows I have ever experienced in a cycle. Sheer impatience, weird signs and a touch of nausea meant I caved yesterday (at 10dpt4dt) and peed on a stick. Opted for a Clearblue digital (expectation management since it requires … Continue reading The Land of What Ifs and Buts

Almost-Mother’s Day

Mother's Day is tough for the mother-in-waiting (wanting?). Not that the other 364 days a year that you suffer from infertility are a whole lot easier. But as many in the world count down to that special Sunday (May 13 where I am), it gets harder to ignore the gnawing feeling in my belly (it's not … Continue reading Almost-Mother’s Day

If you read one thing today…

When someone so artfully combines narrative and visual storytelling, humour, and pain, it simply has to be shared: Read Expecting by Lucy Grove-Jones. I love how she's captured her story, and went 'yes yes yes!' and then 'no, no no!' more than a couple of times. Whether you've experienced loss or fertility issues, near died in anticipation from one … Continue reading If you read one thing today…

Do you ever forget?

This quote (seen on Awakening Wildflower) stopped me in my tracks this morning. “A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, so people imagine a woman … Continue reading Do you ever forget?

On pain, and more pain

I deleted this post three times before I let this one stick, largely because pain takes on strange and contradictory meanings when you're suffering through infertility. It's hard to describe. You become numb to the pricks of needles as they start to represent life-giving hope getting you closer to some invisible finish line, the side … Continue reading On pain, and more pain

No place to grieve

Japan is, apparently, dotted with what are called Jizo shrines - temples with tiny statues of infants, offerings to Jizo, who (among other tasks) watches over miscarried and aborted fetuses. Strangely, I never encountered any of these temples during my many trips to Tokyo, including the most recent one following my ectopic pregnancy.  I had not … Continue reading No place to grieve

The trouble with almost

We were planning to announce our pregnancy today. I was sure I was having a girl, my sister convinced the little squirt was a boy. I had a steadily climbing HCG level in the thousands, woke at 5am and 7am each night to pee, and felt happily ill each day. I had worked my way through a … Continue reading The trouble with almost