On dark places

One of the biggest issues for women going through IVF (or at least the ones I know) is how isolating it all feels. You struggle with feeling like a failure as a woman and human being. You view the "you had one job" memes differently when you're can't fulfill your basic biological destiny. You're stuck … Continue reading On dark places

The Big Thaw

Sorry about the silence. I needed the technology detox and the plan was, in that quiet, to try and listen a little closer both to me and the world around me. Of course, I did none of that, but it was both liberating not to worry about charging my phone and empowering to categorically ignore … Continue reading The Big Thaw

When words fail

A blogger friend sent love for our loss today. She had just miscarried too, she said. I felt a spanner in my gut tighten, my stomach lurching slightly. Fresh from another early loss, I knew her pain acutely. The gaping hole in my belly, and in my heart. I felt her hug from afar, a … Continue reading When words fail

Change in scenery

Quickly chiming in from the other end of the world after a crazy number of plane rides (blame summer prices) and way too much bad airplane food. We're in the motherland visiting the in-laws, and so begins a little time with family, nature, and some quiet from everyday life. Including... nah, perhaps especially... assisted baby-making … Continue reading Change in scenery

When the minuses make a plus

I never thought I would ever say this, but I find myself believing that just getting a negative HPT and a negative beta hCG after an IVF cycle might be more merciful than being thrust onto this other roller coaster. With the former, failure is clear. You cry, scream, vent, pour yourself a stiff drink. … Continue reading When the minuses make a plus

Game Over

So my HCG level fell today, to 34 mIU/ml. The doctor believes it is an early miscarriage, but would like me to continue with progesterone support until a repeat blood test on Saturday, because my HCG levels are still positive. I’m not sure whose benefit that is for or what kind of purpose that serves beyond … Continue reading Game Over

Positively mindf**ked

I am a torrid mess of emotions, all of which are simultaneously pulling on my innards while I'm trying to work. Doesn't help that I am also crampy, nauseous and completely unfocused. Today is 12dp4dt. I have had a dull, continuous cramp for three days now and have been bleeding like I have been stabbed in … Continue reading Positively mindf**ked

Almost-Mother’s Day

Mother's Day is tough for the mother-in-waiting (wanting?). Not that the other 364 days a year that you suffer from infertility are a whole lot easier. But as many in the world count down to that special Sunday (May 13 where I am), it gets harder to ignore the gnawing feeling in my belly (it's not … Continue reading Almost-Mother’s Day

“Just try and relax”

Our friends in the US are marking National Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-28), and a number of women in an IVF support group to which I belong have been posting about being the "1 in 8" and the need to 'flip the script' on infertility. I admire them - going public about your infertility is … Continue reading “Just try and relax”