The Big Thaw

Sorry about the silence. I needed technology detox and the plan was, in that quiet, to try and listen a little closer both to me and the world around me. Of course, I did none of that, but it was both liberating not to worry about charging my phone and empowering to categorically ignore emails. … Continue reading The Big Thaw

When words fail

A blogger friend sent love for our loss today. She had just miscarried too, she said. I felt a spanner in my gut tighten, my stomach lurching slightly. Fresh from another early loss, I knew her pain acutely. The gaping hole in my belly, and in my heart. I felt her hug from afar, a … Continue reading When words fail

Change in scenery

Quickly chiming in from the other end of the world after a crazy number of plane rides (blame summer prices) and way too much bad airplane food. We're in the motherland visiting the in-laws, and so begins a little time with family, nature, and some quiet from everyday life. Including... nah, perhaps especially... assisted baby-making … Continue reading Change in scenery

When the minuses make a plus

I never thought I would ever say this, but I find myself believing that just getting a negative HPT and a negative beta hCG after an IVF cycle might be more merciful than being thrust onto this other roller coaster. With the former, failure is clear. You cry, scream, vent, pour yourself a stiff drink. … Continue reading When the minuses make a plus

Game Over

So my HCG level fell today, to 34 mIU/ml. The doctor believes it is an early miscarriage, but would like me to continue with progesterone support until a repeat blood test on Saturday, because my HCG levels are still positive. I’m not sure whose benefit that is for or what kind of purpose that serves beyond … Continue reading Game Over

I’ve had Beta days

So I guess I should update this blog, not because I have any kind of conclusive news, but because the continuing inconclusive situation might be marginally less frustrating if I vent. After all that bleeding (10dpt-12dpt), my first beta HCG (a blood test for the 'pregnancy hormone') on 13dpt (days past transfer, Friday) was low and … Continue reading I’ve had Beta days

Positively mindf**ked

I am a torrid mess of emotions, all of which are simultaneously pulling on my innards while I'm trying to work. Doesn't help that I am also crampy, nauseous and completely unfocused. Today is 12dp4dt. I have had a dull, continuous cramp for three days now and have been bleeding like I have been stabbed in … Continue reading Positively mindf**ked

The Land of What Ifs and Buts

(Update below) It has been a 24-hour period of the highest high and one of the lowest lows I have ever experienced in a cycle. Sheer impatience, weird signs and a touch of nausea meant I caved yesterday (at 10dpt4dt) and peed on a stick. Opted for a Clearblue digital (expectation management since it requires … Continue reading The Land of What Ifs and Buts

“Behave you two!”

He grabbed his lunch bag and headed for the door, and then turned back to give me a quick kiss before glancing at my bloated belly and quipping: "Behave you two." This, from my usually overly-cautious husband this morning. The only other time he's ever acknowledged the period between transfer and testing (in other ways … Continue reading “Behave you two!”

Squirt on Board

**Not sure what happened with WordPress. But a very garbled version of this post went up. Reposting and hopefully, this makes more sense now! Had our embryo transfer on Saturday and here she (he??) is... We ended up transferring a Day 4 compacting morula, which our embryologist was fairly convinced was on its way into … Continue reading Squirt on Board