Choices

This quote popped up on a couple of my feeds and dragged me out of the hole I had been hiding in. It strikes close to the heart, especially as an unwilling resident of the Land of the Infertile. It is a noisy place, often filled with a cacophony of baseless assumptions, unsolicited advice and rather random comments about our chosen “lifestyle”. If only they knew.

Anyway, I’m sorry for the silence and thank you to those of you who touched base to see if I was ok. Truth is, my mind was a random mess of stray thoughts. It sort of still is. I also went on a short break with my husband, hoping that I would come back refreshed and ready to face another cycle and, despite having seen some beautiful things, returned feeling somewhat drained, and decided to cancel my upcoming cycle.

I’m still reeling from the shock of having done that. My husband seems both confused and a little relieved.

There were a couple of reasons driving my decision. I had been on a full month of birth control to allow my period to coincide with my doctor’s return from a trip and had been battered by a bunch of side effects. The extra-long BCP duration also meant that getting off them caused an oestrogen crash that brought on PMS migraines. Coupled with trying times on the personal front and stress at work, I simply didn’t have the confidence to push through with it, and having to, once again, deal with the destructive forces of both hormones and hope.

It’s strange because a couple of other things that have happened should have made me hopeful. I went to see a fortune teller/tarot card reader (for the first time in my life) a few days before my birthday last month (42), and he seemed optimistic that we were in for a chance on our next (and final) attempt. During the trip, we visited a shrine and seemed surrounded by positive signs.

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And then at the airport waiting for our flight back, I saw a toddler that looked uncannily like a half-and-half of us – it actually was the first time I could visualise what my child would look like. And of all the flights she could be on, she was on mine and caught my eye each time I walked by.

But despite all that, I couldn’t suck it up and do it. Not this time, and even if time is not on our side.

If I do this again, especially since finances dictate this time will be our last, I really need to feel a little closer to 100%, or at least 80% (a healthy discount for expected levels of self-doubt?). I just am not sure how to get there yet.

CW

5 thoughts on “Choices

  1. Knowing yourself and taking care of you is the best thing you can do in the land of the infertile. I was in such a negative mind set when I transferred my last embryo that I was shocked it worked and was certain it wouldn’t last, luckily it did but the majority of the pregnancy I was a paranoid mess

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I think that’s sort of my husband’s position on it. IVF is hard enough without already feeling overwhelmed and defeated at the start.

      Like

  2. Looking after yourself is really important. It’s really hard to do things when you feel like it not only isn’t going to work but will crush you. I feel something like that about trying again after three miscarriages (but don’t mean to compare too closely). Sending thoughts and love and hugs and hope.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bigs hugs to you, too, and I know you know exactly what I mean… the idea of struggling through it (and failing again) and having only myself to blame because I *knew* I shouldn’t have gone ahead with it. Question is, will this feeling go away (and on time)…

      Liked by 1 person

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