Game over. Again

Another day, another failed cycle. I can’t say I am surprised – I had given in and taken a HPT yesterday so the beta hcg result was not entirely unexpected.

But that’s the thing about hope. Even after five botched cycles, even after all the heartbreak, even after all the misadventures, even after all the pee tests that stare blankly back at you, you still wonder about every twinge and overanalyse your aching boobs (thank you progesterone). You hold on to the idea that maybe, just maybe, the universe will smile on you this time – because you did everything you possibly could to win its favour. But then it doesn’t.

I’m not sure we have the resources – or the strength – to keep going. This has all taken such a massive toll – financially, physically, emotionally, and in a whole bunch of other ways I can’t even vocalise. I’m 41. Most of my friends are dealing with teen angst. Maybe that boat has sailed.

Where to from here? I’m not sure.

For now, I’m going to just have a cup of coffee or 12.

Over and out.

CW

16 thoughts on “Game over. Again”

    1. Thank you. I admire your strength, and I wish you the very best of luck in this cycle. I really hope it works.

      We’ve never gotten more than an embryo to transfer and one make it to freeze, so it’s really expensive. And just about anything else we’ve wanted to do has been shelved for all these cycles that have gone nowhere. I take my hat off to my husband (and to your partner, too?) for supporting me through this unending dream, but I can’t help but feeling like it’s gone too far and I need to give him a break too.

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      3. Of my crazy from my hubby so that he doesn’t feel it quite so much. I wonder when to draw line because we can’t afford IVF and I know we’re already very lucky to have our daughter.

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      4. Ah, you are blessed. But the pain of wanting the first and the pain of wanting the second or third IS STILL the pain of wanting, so I really feel for you. It feels unfair for anyone who overflows with more love to give, and can’t.

        I think IVFers are experts at hiding the worst of everything from everyone, but it takes a toll from the inside out. My body and heart feel hollow.

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      5. Absolutely and it’s often so hard to talk about in real life as people don’t get it which is isolating too. I wish you and your hubby all the best with whatever you decide. It does sound like you owe yourselves a break and some tlc xx

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  2. I was ready to “like” this as I usually do with your posts but then I thought that I didn’t want to “like” it. I don’t like anything about it. It’s horrible and unfair and I don’t really know what else to say. I’m gutted honey, but I’m sending you so much love and strength. Whatever you decide to do, just know I’m here for you.

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    1. Thanks babe, and I really appreciate it. I’m sending alllll the luck I have left your way. GOOD LUCK for tomorrow’s beta. I hope it goes well. ❤

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