I never thought I would ever say this, but I find myself believing that just getting a negative HPT and a negative beta hCG after an IVF cycle might be more merciful than being thrust onto this other roller coaster.
With the former, failure is clear. You cry, scream, vent, pour yourself a stiff drink. Even if reluctantly, you eventually gain closure. Then you regroup and decide on next steps.
This mess of hope, devastation and confusion is a very different kind of hell.
I went quiet for a while because my hCG level was going crazy. First it would not rise, and then it would not come down by more than a point at a time for almost a week. It leaves you in the craziest state of not-pregnant-pregnant, like being forced to watch a shitshow like The Last Jedi while desperately needing to pee (or even not)… you’re desperately waiting for the credits to roll.
I’ll re-check levels Thursday and have had a tiny bit of spotting today (sorry, tmi), so hopefully they’re finally behaving.
Of course, that also means I haven’t fully processed the failure of this cycle. There has also been so much else going on in its aftermath – with life, with work, with my head and heart – that I just don’t know if I’m coming or going anymore.
As with the ectopic, the doc is trying to thrust the glass-half-full theories at me – I DID, after all, get pregnant. Something appears to be working. But the realist in me also knows that losses and miscarriages happen for a reason – and we never truly know what that reason is, or if it will repeat, indefinitely.
The Man also keeps reminding me that we have one more frozen embryo, that not all hope is lost. And he is right. We’ve had two cycles in which the one embryo was all we had. That’s something to be grateful for.
Anyway, we’ll get back to some positivity (see what I did there? hur hur) and good humour in time… Stay tuned, and thanks so much for all the love and support that has come in the form of likes, comments and emails. Feeling the love.