So my HCG level fell today, to 34 mIU/ml.
The doctor believes it is an early miscarriage, but would like me to continue with progesterone support until a repeat blood test on Saturday, because my HCG levels are still positive.
I’m not sure whose benefit that is for or what kind of purpose that serves beyond prolonging my agony, since falling HCG is almost a definite indicator of a failed pregnancy.
Even his nurse thinks this is quite a pointless exercise.
But just as infertility happens TO you without invitation or approval, so does its treatments, so who am I to argue? I’m already in a hell hole of side effects, so what’s a few more?
I am both absolutely shattered, and completely numb.
I’d like a stiff drink or a coffee or to smash a wall in. Everything looks grey.
However cautious my optimism, and however odd the signs, I was really desperately hoping that this cycle was it. I bought a little baby onesie for good luck, I thought about names. It’s cycle 5 FFS. I’ve done all the dramatic shit. Ridden the roller coaster. Lost enough. This story desperately needed a new ending.
Again, I didn’t get one.
Meanwhile, a pair of black naped Orioles and their little new babies play on the tree outside my window. Mocking me.
How many times can the human heart shatter before it becomes impossible to glue the fragments back together?