Game Over

So my HCG level fell today, to 34 mIU/ml.

The doctor believes it is an early miscarriage, but would like me to continue with progesterone support until a repeat blood test on Saturday, because my HCG levels are still positive.

I’m not sure whose benefit that is for or what kind of purpose that serves beyond prolonging my agony, since falling HCG is almost a definite indicator of a failed pregnancy.

Even his nurse thinks this is quite a pointless exercise.

But just as infertility happens TO you without invitation or approval, so does its treatments, so who am I to argue? I’m already in a hell hole of side effects, so what’s a few more?

I am both absolutely shattered, and completely numb.

I’d like a stiff drink or a coffee or to smash a wall in. Everything looks grey.

However cautious my optimism, and however odd the signs, I was really desperately hoping that this cycle was it. I bought a little baby onesie for good luck, I thought about names. It’s cycle 5 FFS. I’ve done all the dramatic shit. Ridden the roller coaster. Lost enough. This story desperately needed a new ending.

Again, I didn’t get one.

Meanwhile, a pair of black naped Orioles and their little new babies play on the tree outside my window. Mocking me.

How many times can the human heart shatter before it becomes impossible to glue the fragments back together?



14 thoughts on “Game Over

  1. *hugs* Thinking of you again. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry they’re making you do pointless things. There are no good words for this situation. Take good care of yourself today— maybe have a stiff drink or some coffee if that’s what you need.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I havent been online in a while as i was finishing up college so ive just seen this..i am so so sorry Cyan. I dont know what to say to you. Im here if you need anything. (Also your mug is en route so hopefully it’ll give you a pick me up!)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m so so so sorry. I’ve just miscarried too (my third miscarriage) and it’s so heartbreaking and destroying and I want to send you all the love and hugs and fix it, but I know I can’t. You deserve so much more than this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no. We both deserve this so much after everything we have been through and I know your desire better than I know myself. Be strong. Actually, scrap that. Be angry, be pissed off, be upset, just be. Strength is so overrated. Much love to you both.


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