I am a torrid mess of emotions, all of which are simultaneously pulling on my innards while I’m trying to work. Doesn’t help that I am also crampy, nauseous and completely unfocused.
Today is 12dp4dt. I have had a dull, continuous cramp for three days now and have been bleeding like I have been stabbed in the hoo-ha since the evening of 10dpt. The increased progesterone dose is doing absolutely nothing. It is red. It is plentiful. It mocks me.
And I am still testing positive on HPTs (of course I would).
I’d like to hold out for some kind of pregnancy miracle. But.
Beta is in less than 24 hours, and I am not sure how I even feel about that. Getting a positive would not be unexpected, seeing as I have HCG in my system. But the question is is it going up, down, sideways, somewhere else. Because of the bleed I had during the last ectopic, I am especially worried that lighting actually has struck the same spot twice.
It makes me angry. Angry because I thought this was it. When the Clearblue test winked at me and declared 1-2 weeks, I was googling every week from now till Feb 13/14 when I would have been due. I finally felt like I could breathe. I thought back to my hornbills and rainbows and other little signs. To the sudden need to pee every night at 3am and the nausea. To the four painful cycles I was now finally able to put behind me. I was happy for the first time in a LONG TIME. And I was not done with that feeling when the happiness was so callously ripped away.
I am disappointed. Disappointed in my body. In my luck. In the universe. In science. For all the money, lifestyle changes, my positivity playlist, acupuncture, moxibustion, prayer and more prayer. And I didn’t just pray for a positive test – I prayed for the whole nine months – and then some. But nothing seems to be able to tip that needle.
And I am tired. The whole journey has been endless, every glimmer of hope vanishing before I can turn my head quick enough. Would this be easier if I were younger (I guess the whole getting pregnant thing would have been easier if I were hahaha)? Each cycle seems to inflict a harder blow than the last. Even with an embryo that seemed better than all the other cycles, it appears that I am left with the same outcome. The shots, the pills, the waiting, then the bank account that looks as barren as I am. I’m exhausted.
I guess I still have to go for that beta. And I have to find a way to move forward.
And I will still pray, at least that this isn’t another ectopic that will leave me stuck in a hospital with another $10,000 bill I cannot afford.