Positively mindf**ked

I am a torrid mess of emotions, all of which are simultaneously pulling on my innards while I’m trying to work. Doesn’t help that I am also crampy, nauseous and completely unfocused.

Today is 12dp4dt. I have had a dull, continuous cramp for three days now and have been bleeding like I have been stabbed in the hoo-ha since the evening of 10dpt. The increased progesterone dose is doing absolutely nothing. It is red. It is plentiful. It mocks me.

And I am still testing positive on HPTs (of course I would).

I’d like to hold out for some kind of pregnancy miracle. But.

Beta is in less than 24 hours, and I am not sure how I even feel about that. Getting a positive would not be unexpected, seeing as I have HCG in my system. But the question is is it going up, down, sideways, somewhere else. Because of the bleed I had during the last ectopic, I am especially worried that lighting actually has struck the same spot twice.

It makes me angry. Angry because I thought this was it. When the Clearblue test winked at me and declared 1-2 weeks, I was googling every week from now till Feb 13/14 when I would have been due. I finally felt like I could breathe. I thought back to my hornbills and rainbows and other little signs. To the sudden need to pee every night at 3am and the nausea. To the four painful cycles I was now finally able to put behind me. I was happy for the first time in a LONG TIME. And I was not done with that feeling when the happiness was so callously ripped away.

I am disappointed. Disappointed in my body. In my luck. In the universe. In science. For all the money, lifestyle changes, my positivity playlist, acupuncture, moxibustion, prayer and more prayer. And I didn’t just pray for a positive test – I prayed for the whole nine months – and then some. But nothing seems to be able to tip that needle.

And I am tired. The whole journey has been endless, every glimmer of hope vanishing before I can turn my head quick enough. Would this be easier if I were younger (I guess the whole getting pregnant thing would have been easier if I were hahaha)? Each cycle seems to inflict a harder blow than the last. Even with an embryo that seemed better than all the other cycles, it appears that I am left with the same outcome. The shots, the pills, the waiting, then the bank account that looks as barren as I am. I’m exhausted.

I guess I still have to go for that beta. And I have to find a way to move forward.

And I will still pray, at least that this isn’t another ectopic that will leave me stuck in a hospital with another $10,000 bill I cannot afford.





10 thoughts on “Positively mindf**ked

  1. It’s totally normal for you to freak out and panic, so while you do that.. i’ll be the one that stays positive for you! Bleeding can happen and and it can be totally fine! You wont know anything until BETA so up until then we just have to believe that its going to be ok! We have to believe it. Im sending you so much love hun. Stay strong xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your post is so raw and honest – I’m so very sorry for the endless frustration & disapointments – I’m sending you electronic hugs – I wish I had more to say than that I hope you have a clear answer soon and that you find some peace in all this uncertainty. You did all you could do and more and now it’s out of your hands… On 1 Sep, Spring day here, we had the most spectacular sunrise after a night of thunderstorms – it was our last IUI and all the signs aligned. It didn’t work. For our successful cycle, we had no signs (maybe I was more sceptical…). Who knows the logic or plans of the universe!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I gave up after 5 losses…my body, my mind couldn’t take anymore. It’s helped me to believe that I’ve gone through my journey for a reason…a reason I may not understand, but one that in some way, somehow, makes me a better, more caring person. I’m not sure what your journey is, but I send you so much love on your path, and peace, and calm…and acceptance. Xo


  4. I’ll keep you in my crystal work – I just saged more moonstones too. I dont know what else to say, my heart aches for you. I hope you get a massively positive surprise tomorrow. Will be thinking of you. We’ve got your back. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks dear, I do appreciate it. Beta was positive but very low (27). Beta #2 on Monday.. chances are an early miscarriage. Folks at doc’s office did not seem hopeful. I’m just so torn – the last time, a massive bleed + low but rising beta = ectopic. This time, I know I have had the bleed, so I’m not sure if I should be praying for a miracle and beta to go up… or for it to just go down! Haha… IVF. The ultimate mindf**k.


      1. The irony is that I had very strong HPT positives the last few days. Not sure if beta indicates it is starting to go down… i am too afraid to pee on anything anymore so I’ll just wait for beta 2.


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