The Land of What Ifs and Buts

(Update below)

It has been a 24-hour period of the highest high and one of the lowest lows I have ever experienced in a cycle.

Sheer impatience, weird signs and a touch of nausea meant I caved yesterday (at 10dpt4dt) and peed on a stick. Opted for a Clearblue digital (expectation management since it requires a higher amount of HCG (the pregnancy hormone), so imagine my surprise when less than a minute later, I was greeted with this:

Given that my beta (blood test) is not till Friday, it was both a surprise and cause for celebration. The Man and I were OVER THE MOON. To have a sense that a cycle seemed to have worked after FIVE rounds of IVF – that feeling is indescribable.

I was, of course, still holding my breath. You need a beta to confirm a pregnancy, and then more bloods to see if the numbers rise, then waiting for scans, more scans, more waiting, more holding your breath. Especially after the ectopic in cycle 2, I know this. But after five long cycles, seeing the word “pregnant” made my heart skip a beat.

I could not stop smiling all day.

But my elation was short lived. At around 5pm, I started bleeding. First, it was Crinone discharge (sorry, if this is TMI) and dilute dark liquid… and by this morning (11dp4dt), I was in the land of some (darkish) red more akin to a period, even if it’s not (yet** – see update below) a full-on flow. I also have a dull, continuous cramp.

I guess that means I’m sort of pregnant (for now)? BUT.

This is like riding the world’s worst roller-coaster, complete with steep drops and a couple of inversions. And then suddenly, you lose your seat belt.

I know, I know. Many women doing IVF have had bleeding. Many women NOT doing IVF have had bleeding. I’d just rather not be one of those women right about now, thanks. Also, based on what I have read, the bleeding is ok unless it turns bright red… which means the redder it’s getting, the more panicked I am becoming…

I cannot fight this feeling that this pregnancy is going to be over before it properly even begins.

Exactly as it happened when I started bleeding during cycle 2, the doc has ordered complete bed rest, stopped my blood thinners and upped my progesterone. It hasn’t stopped the bleed, but I guess I should give it a couple of hours (days??).

I wonder if I would feel better if I simply hadn’t tested – then I would have thought it was just ‘another failed cycle’. But now we’re stuck in this liminal land of ifs and buts, praying and hoping and cursing and unable to focus on anything at all.

Holding my breath and TRYING to stay positive. Please send prayers.

Update: I’m now in a full on bleed. Perhaps an early miscarriage that I guess I only know about because I tested early. But my doc wants me to push through to Friday’s beta. Let’s see. Not hopeful.

CW