Hard habits to break

Back in the home zone, and T-15 to the start of the cycle. But I’m struggling with a couple of things – cutting down on coffee, for one, and sugar, for another, plus a long list of other things I had a much easier time leaving go of in previous cycles.

I’m not sure why it is harder to trade my beans for the prospect of a bean this time. If anything, having ploughed so much of our savings into past cycles and been through the torture of failure and loss, I am even more desperate for it to succeed. While we were on our break, little kids came at me from everywhere. It’s a sign, I said. A well-meaning bartender, unconvinced that anyone should be drinking “just soda water”, spiked my drink with a shot of gin and served it up with a suspicious wink. Cue the fastest exit strategy in the history of beverages.

Even so, I can’t seem to fully bridge back into the ‘IVF State of Mind’. You know it? That anything-for-a-baby mode. Excessive consumption of eggs whites and avocado,  beetroot and brazil nuts, pep-talks, compulsively checking your heart rate mid-run so you’re pushing enough but not pushing too hard, wondering for the 74648th time if you might be wrong about pineapple (pineapple is still losing)…

But I am not quite feeling it yet. Maybe I am tired, or scared, or both.

I start acupuncture on Wednesday (I did it during all my four cycles, though usually only after stimming began), so maybe that will help. Against my own better judgment, I also succumbed to a whim to buy a little onesie online, thinking it would shift my focus. I’m still waiting for the somewhat-embarrassed and slightly-regretful feeling to pass (the last time I dared to buy a little stuffed toy, we ended up with an ectopic. Now I’m wondering if I have jinxed this before it has begun).

Anyway, I read today about a woman who succeeded on her 10th IVF cycle. Well, 10 cycles and two husbands. I’m delighted for her, I really am. Heck, I want to be her (only with half as many cycles, and the same husband).

Maybe I’ll download some fertility tunes and try and find my zen. Just let me finish this coffee.


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